


1 Nephi

by kinestheticpariah



Series: The Book of Mormon [1]
Category: The Book of Mormon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-05-22
Updated: 2012-05-22
Packaged: 2017-11-05 20:13:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/410551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kinestheticpariah/pseuds/kinestheticpariah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which sassy Nephi writes the Book of Mormon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm Nephi

Sup. I’m Nephi, and I’ve gotta keep a journal on these stupid gold plates. I really don’t know why we can’t just use papyrus; my dad said something about a guy named Joseph Smith needing to uncover this shit in the future and papyrus not lasting long enough. ( What kind of a name is Joseph Smith, really?) Whatever. Anyway, so my parents are pretty rad, and I live in Jerusalem with my family. My dad is a prophet, but for some reason people won’t take him seriously. Which is stupid. I mean, damn. Sucks for them when their asses get kicked into hell.

So the point is, I’ve gotta keep a record on these plates. I’m pretty damn sure the things I say here are true, because I’m saying them, and do you _really_ think I’d _lie to you_?

At the beginning of the first year of Zedekiah’s reign, my dad went and prayed to God. And while he was praying, he apparently saw some pillar of fire on a rock. When he came home he was pretty shaken, so my mom poured him some water and asked what was up. I guess he’d seen some vision, with all these angels singing and God on his throne and the heavens opening. And this one angel brought twelve others down, and they gave my dad a book and told him, “hey man, read this.” So he did, because if angels tell you to do something,  _you do it_.

So he read it, and he was like “man, I feel God up in here. This is serious business.” And when he was done, he started praising God. He was pretty damn happy about the stuff he’d seen.

And now the Jews are all up in his business because apparently they don’t like what he preaches. So they’re pretty riled up, and I’m scared my dad’s gonna get stoned like the other prophets. But I know God will keep him safe. Because God cares about all of us.

xoxo, Nephi


	2. Into the Wilderness

Okay, so God talked to my dad. He said that we’re supposed to go into the wilderness. And you don’t just  _disobey God_ , right? So my dad was like “come on guys, we’re packing away our stuff and leaving.” So my dad, Lehi, my mom, Sariah, my brothers (Laman, Lemuel, and Sam) and I went into the wilderness. We’d been walking around for three days when my dad finally pitched a tent and let us rest.

There was a river there, and I was pretty psyched because it gets _hot_ in the wilderness. And Dad built this altar out of a bunch of rocks and started praying and praising God. And then he named the river after Laman. And he said to Laman, “Son, I pray that you’ll be like this river, and flow into the fountain of righteousness!”

Then he told Lemuel to be like the valley, steadfast and immovable and all that stuff. He told me he said this because my brothers are pretty lame and he wants them to be more righteous, like me. But of course they don’t listen; they just sit and whine and gripe about how hot it is and how much they have to walk. And then they started complaining about dad, and they didn’t believe that Jerusalem was going to be destroyed like God told our dad, and dad took them into the valley and gave them a lecture. They were pretty shaken after that. Like…literally shaking.

And my dad stayed in a tent.

I’m really young and really strong, so I wanted to talk to God and know about his mysteries. He visited me, and then I just…I couldn’t doubt my dad’s words anymore (not that I ever did)! How can you doubt that stuff when you’ve SEEN GOD?

I told Sam, and he believed me, but Laman and Lemuel were total jerks about it. So I prayed to God that they’d be forgiven. God told me I was blessed, and he says I’ll prosper if I do what he says. He says I’m going to rule over my older brothers, and that I’ll have my own LAND! So I’m totally going to do what God says from now on. I _want_ that land.

But yeah, God says that I’ll have the power to curse all their descendants for anything bad they do. But the catch is there are going to be rebellions against my descendants.

Whatever. I got this.


End file.
